Why are our fake presidents so much better than our real ones?

“Fake” news — thank you Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert!!! — is much more informative and entertaining than real news.

And fake presidents are so much more likeable and effective (in positive ways) than our real ones.

I loved The West Wing’s Jed Bartlett! I watched only a few episodes of “24” but understand that its “president,” David Palmer, was a pretty good guy too.

And now Fake President Rachel Maddow gives a wonderful Fake Presidential Address on the BP Gulf oil catastrophe:

I wish I could tell you that the first development is that BP has capped the well, stopped the leak. They haven’t. They can’t. They don’t know how…

Never again, will any company, anyone, be allowed to drill in a location where they are incapable of dealing with the potential consequences of that drilling.

When the benefits of drilling accrue to a private company, but the risks of that drilling accrue to we the American people, whose waters and shoreline are savaged when things go wrong, I as Fake President stand on the side of the American people, and say to the industry: From this day forward, if you cannot handle the risk, you no longer will take chances with our fate, to reap your rewards….

When I announced in March, that my administration’s energy policy would include expanded offshore drilling, that policy change was premised on our acceptance of the oil industry’s assurances that they knew how to do such drilling safely. They were lying. It cannot be done safely — not when no technology exists to cap a blowout on the sea floor. Offshore drilling will not be expanded in American waters…

The industry, has long assured us that they were capable of handling spilled oil. In BP’s own disaster response plan for the Gulf of Mexico, they claimed they were perfectly capable of containing, and cleaning-up, up to 250,000 barrels of oil a day. That no significant amount of an oil spill of even that size would get to shore, foul beaches, kill wildlife, or destroy wetlands. They were lying.

And the industry is lying when it says it takes seriously its responsibilities to contain and clean-up disasters they cause. The same low-tech, inffective equipment and techniques are being used to respond to this oil disaster today, as were used in the 1960s and ‘70s to respond to spills back then. That’s because the industry hasn’t invested in any new containment and cleanup technology in all of these decades….

I am hereby directing BP to fund booming-and-skimming crash academies for all available oil industry personnel, anywhere in the world, to radically overhaul what has been a haphazard, half-hearted, totally unacceptable protection effort. Starting immediately. No expense will be spared and no excuses will be brooked. Even if the oil leak is capped today, the oil in the water will continue to surge toward shore for weeks if not months. As Fake President, I will personally issue a public update on cleanup and containment efforts every single day until this disaster is under control….

Now that we have, at the hands of the oil industry, experienced the worst environmental disaster in American history, the time for talk is over…. We will get off oil and here’s how: The United States Senate will pass an energy bill. This year. The Senate version of the bill will not expand offshore drilling. The earlier targets in that bill for energy efficiency and for renewable energy-sources will be doubled or tripled.

Thank you, Fake President Maddow!

Posted by James on Friday, June 18, 2010